Reflection (as posted in myspace)

It has occurred to me recently that life is short, and I don’t mean the blink and you’ll miss it kind of short, but it is in lack of a better word.. Short.. You waste time trying to live up to the expectations of others, to make them happy and before you know it, you’re old and have little time left to do what matters most.. Live to make yourself happy.. But sometimes that’s not always the case.. Sometimes you make this realization when you lose people you know. And I guess this is really where this blog is leading to.

This month is a bad time of the year for me. Two years ago I lost a friend from high school whom I had fallen out of touch with, and it hurts me to say that. She was killed in a car accident and it just was so sudden. You never really expect things like that to happen to people who were so just… Wonderful like her. And when something like that does happen… It just blows you away.. I can still remember the day I found out like it was yesterday.. Hell I spent hours during that one day just kind of blank, I didn’t even cry when I first found out because I was so shocked. And I don’t think it was until I sat down and started drawing that it really ended up hitting me.. I can still remember exactly what I had been drawing too.. I can remember drawing these flowers, one was this odd flower I’d found years ago inside of a magazine, and the others were white roses that my mom had bought me. I remember it was during the time I was drawing the roses that it finally hit me.. She was dead.. She was completely gone. Someone I had gone to school with, someone I’d known and hung out with in study hall… And it just made me break down.. Even now as I type this up I’m teary eyed.. But this is things I need to get out because I know if I don’t it will just make me even more depressed in the end.. Anyone who knew Jessica knew the type of person she was, and while I didn’t know her that well, I did consider her a friend even though we had fallen out of touch over the years. I can honestly say that I do miss her.

Now, this isn’t the only reason why this month is so horrible for me.. About a year ago my cousin who I had been rather close with through school was also killed in a car accident about this time of the month. And it was so hard for me when I found out. Because I knew him better than I knew Jessica, and had known him a lot longer as well. I remember when I found out, I was doing dishes if I remember right- and I say that because this one hit me harder to the point the day was a big blur- though I do remember holding the dish towel in my hands. I can remember calling up Joanna and despite the fact I was trying to calm about it I just couldn’t help it, I broke down while talking to her. So much so I felt sick. It was just such a horrible feeling. When I hung up the phone and went back to doing dishes, I just remember trying to get through them and focus on them so I didn’t have to think about it.. Despite it all I just.. I couldn’t. And something no one but myself knows? I went into a near hysterical crying fit while in the middle of washing our dinner plates. I remember just leaning over the sink, resting my head on my arms and sobbing so hard I could barely breathe. Sure Brian was the type to pick on people because he could, but he was never mean about it, at least from what I had witnessed, he did it out of good fun. But it still didn’t make his passing any easier.

It’s hard now.. Remembering the times I had with the both of them in school. It just seems… For lack of a better term a lifetime ago. When someone passes you always kind of expect to remember everything that you did with them, all the fun times and the laughs.. But sometimes.. You just can’t remember.. It’s almost as though they took some of those things with them when they left, and despite how hard we do try to remember those things sometimes we just can’t. But in trying to remember those things, you’re remembering the people you’ve lost. In a way it doesn’t make it so bad not being able to remember. I guess it almost makes the pain of not being able to think back on those things a little more bearable.

In all of this reflection.. I guess it’s easy to remember just how little time we may have with someone, and how little time we have to tell our true feelings about people. So.. Here and now.. I want to tell each and ever one of you.. I love you. You’re all the best friends a girl could ask for. And since a good 90% of you are people I know, and are related to.. That’s pretty good heh. Keep in mind.. Life is beautiful and even if there are days when everything just seems to suck, remember there are people out there who care for you and will always be there when you need someone- even if they are siblings and they drive you nuts lol.

Life is Beautiful by Sixx:AM

The angels of silence we almost forget we have.
Loved ones who guide us from lives past.
Watching over us in our times of need,
Helping us to remember that there are still
Good things in life.

In time we may forget your smiles.
In our years we may not be able to hear your laugh.
But in the end we will always remember,
The times that have passed.
And in those times you shall live on,
In our hearts and in our mind.

When memories fail,
And all hope is lost,
We’ll know you’ll be there to guide us
Our angels of silence.

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